10 Things Emotionally Intelligent People Don’t Do

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Written by Brianna West and published on Soul Anatomy

Emotional intelligence is probably the most powerful yet undervalued trait in our society.

We believe in rooting our everyday functions in logic and reason, yet we come to the same conclusions after long periods of contemplation as we do in the blink of an eye. Our leaders sorely overlook the human element of our socio-political issues and I need not cite the divorce rate for you to believe that we’re not choosing the right partners (nor do we have the capacity to sustain intimate relationships for long periods of time.)

It seems people believe the most intelligent thing to do is not have emotions at all. To be effective is to be a machine, a product of the age. A well-oiled, consumerist-serving, digitally attuned, highly unaware but overtly operational robot.

And so we suffer.

Here are the habits of the people who have the capacity to be aware of what they feel. Who know how to express, process, dismantle and adjust their experience as they are their own locusts of control. They are the true leaders, they are living the most whole and genuine lives, and it is from them we should be taking a cue.

These are the things that emotionally intelligent people do not do.

  1. They don’t assume that the way they think and feel about a situation is the way it is in reality, nor how it will turn out in the end. They recognize their emotions as responses, not accurate gauges, of what’s going on. They accept that those responses may have to do with their own issues, rather than the objective situation at hand.
  2. Their emotional base points are not external. Their emotions aren’t “somebody else’s doing,” and therefore “somebody else’s problem to resolve.” Understanding that they are the ultimate cause of what they experience keeps them out of falling into the trap of indignant passivity: where one believes that as the universe has done wrong, the universe will ultimately have to correct it.
  3. They don’t assume to know what it is that will make them truly happy. Being that our only frame of reference at any given time is what’s happened in the past, we actually have no means to determine what would make us truly happy, as opposed to just feeling “saved” from whatever we disliked about our past experiences. In understanding this, they open themselves up to any experience that their life evolves toward, knowing there are equal parts good and bad in anything. 
  4. They don’t think that being fearful is a sign they are on the wrong path. The presence of indifference is a sign you’re on the wrong path. Fear means you’re trying to move toward something you love, but your old beliefs, or unhealed experiences, are getting in the way. (Or, rather, are being called up to be healed.) 
  5. They know that happiness is a choice, but they don’t feel the need to make it all the time. They are not stuck in the illusion that “happiness” is a sustained state of joy. They allow themselves time to process everything they are experiencing. They allow themselves to exist in their natural state. In that non-resistance, they find contentment. 
  6. They don’t allow their thoughts to be chosen for them. They recognize that through social conditioning and the eternal human monkey-mind, they can often be swayed by thoughts, beliefs and mindsets that were never theirs in the first place. To combat this, they take inventory of their beliefs, reflect on their origins, and decide whether or not that frame of reference truly serves them. 
  7. They recognize that infallible composure is not emotional intelligence.They don’t withhold their feelings, or try to temper them so much as to render them almost gone. They do, however, have the capacity to withhold their emotional response until they are in an environment wherein it would be appropriate to express how they are feeling. They don’t suppress it, they manage it effectively.
  8. They know that a feeling will not kill them. They’ve developed enough stamina and awareness to know that all things, even the worst, are transitory.
  9. They don’t just become close friends with anyone. They recognize true trust and intimacy as something you build, and something you want to be discerning with whom you share. But they’re not guarded or closed as they are simply mindful and aware of who they allow into their lives and hearts. They are kind to all, but truly open to few.
  10. They don’t confuse a bad feeling for a bad life. They are aware of, and avoid, extrapolation, which is essentially projecting the present moment into the foreseeable future – believing that the moment at hand constitutes what your entire life amounted to, rather than just being another passing, transitory experience in the whole. Emotionally intelligent people allow themselves their ‘bad’ days. They let themselves be fully human. It’s in this non-resistance that they find the most peace of all.

How to do what you love- an essay by Paul Graham

 

Written January 2006

“To do something well you have to like it. That idea is not exactly novel. We’ve got it down to four words: “Do what you love.” But it’s not enough just to tell people that. Doing what you love is complicated.

The very idea is foreign to what most of us learn as kids. When I was a kid, it seemed as if work and fun were opposites by definition. Life had two states: some of the time adults were making you do things, and that was called work; the rest of the time you could do what you wanted, and that was called playing. Occasionally the things adults made you do were fun, just as, occasionally, playing wasn’t—for example, if you fell and hurt yourself. But except for these few anomalous cases, work was pretty much defined as not-fun.

And it did not seem to be an accident. School, it was implied, was tedious because it was preparation for grownup work.

The world then was divided into two groups, grownups and kids. Grownups, like some kind of cursed race, had to work. Kids didn’t, but they did have to go to school, which was a dilute version of work meant to prepare us for the real thing. Much as we disliked school, the grownups all agreed that grownup work was worse, and that we had it easy.

Teachers in particular all seemed to believe implicitly that work was not fun. Which is not surprising: work wasn’t fun for most of them. Why did we have to memorize state capitals instead of playing dodgeball? For the same reason they had to watch over a bunch of kids instead of lying on a beach. You couldn’t just do what you wanted.

I’m not saying we should let little kids do whatever they want. They may have to be made to work on certain things. But if we make kids work on dull stuff, it might be wise to tell them that tediousness is not the defining quality of work, and indeed that the reason they have to work on dull stuff now is so they can work on more interesting stuff later. [1]

Once, when I was about 9 or 10, my father told me I could be whatever I wanted when I grew up, so long as I enjoyed it. I remember that precisely because it seemed so anomalous. It was like being told to use dry water. Whatever I thought he meant, I didn’t think he meant work could literally be fun—fun like playing. It took me years to grasp that.

Jobs

By high school, the prospect of an actual job was on the horizon. Adults would sometimes come to speak to us about their work, or we would go to see them at work. It was always understood that they enjoyed what they did. In retrospect I think one may have: the private jet pilot. But I don’t think the bank manager really did.

The main reason they all acted as if they enjoyed their work was presumably the upper-middle class convention that you’re supposed to. It would not merely be bad for your career to say that you despised your job, but a social faux-pas.

Why is it conventional to pretend to like what you do? The first sentence of this essay explains that. If you have to like something to do it well, then the most successful people will all like what they do. That’s where the upper-middle class tradition comes from. Just as houses all over America are full of chairs that are, without the owners even knowing it, nth-degree imitations of chairs designed 250 years ago for French kings, conventional attitudes about work are, without the owners even knowing it, nth-degree imitations of the attitudes of people who’ve done great things.

What a recipe for alienation. By the time they reach an age to think about what they’d like to do, most kids have been thoroughly misled about the idea of loving one’s work. School has trained them to regard work as an unpleasant duty. Having a job is said to be even more onerous than schoolwork. And yet all the adults claim to like what they do. You can’t blame kids for thinking “I am not like these people; I am not suited to this world.”

Actually they’ve been told three lies: the stuff they’ve been taught to regard as work in school is not real work; grownup work is not (necessarily) worse than schoolwork; and many of the adults around them are lying when they say they like what they do.

The most dangerous liars can be the kids’ own parents. If you take a boring job to give your family a high standard of living, as so many people do, you risk infecting your kids with the idea that work is boring. [2] Maybe it would be better for kids in this one case if parents were not so unselfish. A parent who set an example of loving their work might help their kids more than an expensive house. [3]

It was not till I was in college that the idea of work finally broke free from the idea of making a living. Then the important question became not how to make money, but what to work on. Ideally these coincided, but some spectacular boundary cases (like Einstein in the patent office) proved they weren’t identical.

The definition of work was now to make some original contribution to the world, and in the process not to starve. But after the habit of so many years my idea of work still included a large component of pain. Work still seemed to require discipline, because only hard problems yielded grand results, and hard problems couldn’t literally be fun. Surely one had to force oneself to work on them.

If you think something’s supposed to hurt, you’re less likely to notice if you’re doing it wrong. That about sums up my experience of graduate school.

Bounds

How much are you supposed to like what you do? Unless you know that, you don’t know when to stop searching. And if, like most people, you underestimate it, you’ll tend to stop searching too early. You’ll end up doing something chosen for you by your parents, or the desire to make money, or prestige—or sheer inertia.

Here’s an upper bound: Do what you love doesn’t mean, do what you would like to do most this second. Even Einstein probably had moments when he wanted to have a cup of coffee, but told himself he ought to finish what he was working on first.

It used to perplex me when I read about people who liked what they did so much that there was nothing they’d rather do. There didn’t seem to be any sort of work I liked that much. If I had a choice of (a) spending the next hour working on something or (b) be teleported to Rome and spend the next hour wandering about, was there any sort of work I’d prefer? Honestly, no.

But the fact is, almost anyone would rather, at any given moment, float about in the Carribbean, or have sex, or eat some delicious food, than work on hard problems. The rule about doing what you love assumes a certain length of time. It doesn’t mean, do what will make you happiest this second, but what will make you happiest over some longer period, like a week or a month.

Unproductive pleasures pall eventually. After a while you get tired of lying on the beach. If you want to stay happy, you have to do something.

As a lower bound, you have to like your work more than any unproductive pleasure. You have to like what you do enough that the concept of “spare time” seems mistaken. Which is not to say you have to spend all your time working. You can only work so much before you get tired and start to screw up. Then you want to do something else—even something mindless. But you don’t regard this time as the prize and the time you spend working as the pain you endure to earn it.

I put the lower bound there for practical reasons. If your work is not your favorite thing to do, you’ll have terrible problems with procrastination. You’ll have to force yourself to work, and when you resort to that the results are distinctly inferior.

To be happy I think you have to be doing something you not only enjoy, but admire. You have to be able to say, at the end, wow, that’s pretty cool. This doesn’t mean you have to make something. If you learn how to hang glide, or to speak a foreign language fluently, that will be enough to make you say, for a while at least, wow, that’s pretty cool. What there has to be is a test.

So one thing that falls just short of the standard, I think, is reading books. Except for some books in math and the hard sciences, there’s no test of how well you’ve read a book, and that’s why merely reading books doesn’t quite feel like work. You have to do something with what you’ve read to feel productive.

I think the best test is one Gino Lee taught me: to try to do things that would make your friends say wow. But it probably wouldn’t start to work properly till about age 22, because most people haven’t had a big enough sample to pick friends from before then.

Sirens

What you should not do, I think, is worry about the opinion of anyone beyond your friends. You shouldn’t worry about prestige. Prestige is the opinion of the rest of the world. When you can ask the opinions of people whose judgement you respect, what does it add to consider the opinions of people you don’t even know?[4]

This is easy advice to give. It’s hard to follow, especially when you’re young. [5] Prestige is like a powerful magnet that warps even your beliefs about what you enjoy. It causes you to work not on what you like, but what you’d like to like.

That’s what leads people to try to write novels, for example. They like reading novels. They notice that people who write them win Nobel prizes. What could be more wonderful, they think, than to be a novelist? But liking the idea of being a novelist is not enough; you have to like the actual work of novel-writing if you’re going to be good at it; you have to like making up elaborate lies.

Prestige is just fossilized inspiration. If you do anything well enough, you’ll make it prestigious. Plenty of things we now consider prestigious were anything but at first. Jazz comes to mind—though almost any established art form would do. So just do what you like, and let prestige take care of itself.

Prestige is especially dangerous to the ambitious. If you want to make ambitious people waste their time on errands, the way to do it is to bait the hook with prestige. That’s the recipe for getting people to give talks, write forewords, serve on committees, be department heads, and so on. It might be a good rule simply to avoid any prestigious task. If it didn’t suck, they wouldn’t have had to make it prestigious.

Similarly, if you admire two kinds of work equally, but one is more prestigious, you should probably choose the other. Your opinions about what’s admirable are always going to be slightly influenced by prestige, so if the two seem equal to you, you probably have more genuine admiration for the less prestigious one.

The other big force leading people astray is money. Money by itself is not that dangerous. When something pays well but is regarded with contempt, like telemarketing, or prostitution, or personal injury litigation, ambitious people aren’t tempted by it. That kind of work ends up being done by people who are “just trying to make a living.” (Tip: avoid any field whose practitioners say this.) The danger is when money is combined with prestige, as in, say, corporate law, or medicine. A comparatively safe and prosperous career with some automatic baseline prestige is dangerously tempting to someone young, who hasn’t thought much about what they really like.

The test of whether people love what they do is whether they’d do it even if they weren’t paid for it—even if they had to work at another job to make a living. How many corporate lawyers would do their current work if they had to do it for free, in their spare time, and take day jobs as waiters to support themselves?

This test is especially helpful in deciding between different kinds of academic work, because fields vary greatly in this respect. Most good mathematicians would work on math even if there were no jobs as math professors, whereas in the departments at the other end of the spectrum, the availability of teaching jobs is the driver: people would rather be English professors than work in ad agencies, and publishing papers is the way you compete for such jobs. Math would happen without math departments, but it is the existence of English majors, and therefore jobs teaching them, that calls into being all those thousands of dreary papers about gender and identity in the novels of Conrad. No one doesthat kind of thing for fun.

The advice of parents will tend to err on the side of money. It seems safe to say there are more undergrads who want to be novelists and whose parents want them to be doctors than who want to be doctors and whose parents want them to be novelists. The kids think their parents are “materialistic.” Not necessarily. All parents tend to be more conservative for their kids than they would for themselves, simply because, as parents, they share risks more than rewards. If your eight year old son decides to climb a tall tree, or your teenage daughter decides to date the local bad boy, you won’t get a share in the excitement, but if your son falls, or your daughter gets pregnant, you’ll have to deal with the consequences.

Discipline

With such powerful forces leading us astray, it’s not surprising we find it so hard to discover what we like to work on. Most people are doomed in childhood by accepting the axiom that work = pain. Those who escape this are nearly all lured onto the rocks by prestige or money. How many even discover something they love to work on? A few hundred thousand, perhaps, out of billions.

It’s hard to find work you love; it must be, if so few do. So don’t underestimate this task. And don’t feel bad if you haven’t succeeded yet. In fact, if you admit to yourself that you’re discontented, you’re a step ahead of most people, who are still in denial. If you’re surrounded by colleagues who claim to enjoy work that you find contemptible, odds are they’re lying to themselves. Not necessarily, but probably.

Although doing great work takes less discipline than people think—because the way to do great work is to find something you like so much that you don’t have to force yourself to do it—findingwork you love does usually require discipline. Some people are lucky enough to know what they want to do when they’re 12, and just glide along as if they were on railroad tracks. But this seems the exception. More often people who do great things have careers with the trajectory of a ping-pong ball. They go to school to study A, drop out and get a job doing B, and then become famous for C after taking it up on the side.

Sometimes jumping from one sort of work to another is a sign of energy, and sometimes it’s a sign of laziness. Are you dropping out, or boldly carving a new path? You often can’t tell yourself. Plenty of people who will later do great things seem to be disappointments early on, when they’re trying to find their niche.

Is there some test you can use to keep yourself honest? One is to try to do a good job at whatever you’re doing, even if you don’t like it. Then at least you’ll know you’re not using dissatisfaction as an excuse for being lazy. Perhaps more importantly, you’ll get into the habit of doing things well.

Another test you can use is: always produce. For example, if you have a day job you don’t take seriously because you plan to be a novelist, are you producing? Are you writing pages of fiction, however bad? As long as you’re producing, you’ll know you’re not merely using the hazy vision of the grand novel you plan to write one day as an opiate. The view of it will be obstructed by the all too palpably flawed one you’re actually writing.

“Always produce” is also a heuristic for finding the work you love. If you subject yourself to that constraint, it will automatically push you away from things you think you’re supposed to work on, toward things you actually like. “Always produce” will discover your life’s work the way water, with the aid of gravity, finds the hole in your roof.

Of course, figuring out what you like to work on doesn’t mean you get to work on it. That’s a separate question. And if you’re ambitious you have to keep them separate: you have to make a conscious effort to keep your ideas about what you want from being contaminated by what seems possible. [6]

It’s painful to keep them apart, because it’s painful to observe the gap between them. So most people pre-emptively lower their expectations. For example, if you asked random people on the street if they’d like to be able to draw like Leonardo, you’d find most would say something like “Oh, I can’t draw.” This is more a statement of intention than fact; it means, I’m not going to try. Because the fact is, if you took a random person off the street and somehow got them to work as hard as they possibly could at drawing for the next twenty years, they’d get surprisingly far. But it would require a great moral effort; it would mean staring failure in the eye every day for years. And so to protect themselves people say “I can’t.”

Another related line you often hear is that not everyone can do work they love—that someone has to do the unpleasant jobs. Really? How do you make them? In the US the only mechanism for forcing people to do unpleasant jobs is the draft, and that hasn’t been invoked for over 30 years. All we can do is encourage people to do unpleasant work, with money and prestige.

If there’s something people still won’t do, it seems as if society just has to make do without. That’s what happened with domestic servants. For millennia that was the canonical example of a job “someone had to do.” And yet in the mid twentieth century servants practically disappeared in rich countries, and the rich have just had to do without.

So while there may be some things someone has to do, there’s a good chance anyone saying that about any particular job is mistaken. Most unpleasant jobs would either get automated or go undone if no one were willing to do them.

Two Routes

There’s another sense of “not everyone can do work they love” that’s all too true, however. One has to make a living, and it’s hard to get paid for doing work you love. There are two routes to that destination:

The organic route: as you become more eminent, gradually to increase the parts of your job that you like at the expense of those you don’t.

The two-job route: to work at things you don’t like to get money to work on things you do.

The organic route is more common. It happens naturally to anyone who does good work. A young architect has to take whatever work he can get, but if he does well he’ll gradually be in a position to pick and choose among projects. The disadvantage of this route is that it’s slow and uncertain. Even tenure is not real freedom.

The two-job route has several variants depending on how long you work for money at a time. At one extreme is the “day job,” where you work regular hours at one job to make money, and work on what you love in your spare time. At the other extreme you work at something till you make enough not to have to work for money again.

The two-job route is less common than the organic route, because it requires a deliberate choice. It’s also more dangerous. Life tends to get more expensive as you get older, so it’s easy to get sucked into working longer than you expected at the money job. Worse still, anything you work on changes you. If you work too long on tedious stuff, it will rot your brain. And the best paying jobs are most dangerous, because they require your full attention.

The advantage of the two-job route is that it lets you jump over obstacles. The landscape of possible jobs isn’t flat; there are walls of varying heights between different kinds of work. [7] The trick of maximizing the parts of your job that you like can get you from architecture to product design, but not, probably, to music. If you make money doing one thing and then work on another, you have more freedom of choice.

Which route should you take? That depends on how sure you are of what you want to do, how good you are at taking orders, how much risk you can stand, and the odds that anyone will pay (in your lifetime) for what you want to do. If you’re sure of the general area you want to work in and it’s something people are likely to pay you for, then you should probably take the organic route. But if you don’t know what you want to work on, or don’t like to take orders, you may want to take the two-job route, if you can stand the risk.

Don’t decide too soon. Kids who know early what they want to do seem impressive, as if they got the answer to some math question before the other kids. They have an answer, certainly, but odds are it’s wrong.

A friend of mine who is a quite successful doctor complains constantly about her job. When people applying to medical school ask her for advice, she wants to shake them and yell “Don’t do it!” (But she never does.) How did she get into this fix? In high school she already wanted to be a doctor. And she is so ambitious and determined that she overcame every obstacle along the way—including, unfortunately, not liking it.

Now she has a life chosen for her by a high-school kid.

When you’re young, you’re given the impression that you’ll get enough information to make each choice before you need to make it. But this is certainly not so with work. When you’re deciding what to do, you have to operate on ridiculously incomplete information. Even in college you get little idea what various types of work are like. At best you may have a couple internships, but not all jobs offer internships, and those that do don’t teach you much more about the work than being a batboy teaches you about playing baseball.

In the design of lives, as in the design of most other things, you get better results if you use flexible media. So unless you’re fairly sure what you want to do, your best bet may be to choose a type of work that could turn into either an organic or two-job career. That was probably part of the reason I chose computers. You can be a professor, or make a lot of money, or morph it into any number of other kinds of work.

It’s also wise, early on, to seek jobs that let you do many different things, so you can learn faster what various kinds of work are like. Conversely, the extreme version of the two-job route is dangerous because it teaches you so little about what you like. If you work hard at being a bond trader for ten years, thinking that you’ll quit and write novels when you have enough money, what happens when you quit and then discover that you don’t actually like writing novels?

Most people would say, I’d take that problem. Give me a million dollars and I’ll figure out what to do. But it’s harder than it looks. Constraints give your life shape. Remove them and most people have no idea what to do: look at what happens to those who win lotteries or inherit money. Much as everyone thinks they want financial security, the happiest people are not those who have it, but those who like what they do. So a plan that promises freedom at the expense of knowing what to do with it may not be as good as it seems.

Whichever route you take, expect a struggle. Finding work you love is very difficult. Most people fail. Even if you succeed, it’s rare to be free to work on what you want till your thirties or forties. But if you have the destination in sight you’ll be more likely to arrive at it. If you know you can love work, you’re in the home stretch, and if you know what work you love, you’re practically there.

Notes

[1] Currently we do the opposite: when we make kids do boring work, like arithmetic drills, instead of admitting frankly that it’s boring, we try to disguise it with superficial decorations.

[2] One father told me about a related phenomenon: he found himself concealing from his family how much he liked his work. When he wanted to go to work on a saturday, he found it easier to say that it was because he “had to” for some reason, rather than admitting he preferred to work than stay home with them.

[3] Something similar happens with suburbs. Parents move to suburbs to raise their kids in a safe environment, but suburbs are so dull and artificial that by the time they’re fifteen the kids are convinced the whole world is boring.

[4] I’m not saying friends should be the only audience for your work. The more people you can help, the better. But friends should be your compass.

[5] Donald Hall said young would-be poets were mistaken to be so obsessed with being published. But you can imagine what it would do for a 24 year old to get a poem published in The New Yorker. Now to people he meets at parties he’s a real poet. Actually he’s no better or worse than he was before, but to a clueless audience like that, the approval of an official authority makes all the difference. So it’s a harder problem than Hall realizes. The reason the young care so much about prestige is that the people they want to impress are not very discerning.

[6] This is isomorphic to the principle that you should prevent your beliefs about how things are from being contaminated by how you wish they were. Most people let them mix pretty promiscuously. The continuing popularity of religion is the most visible index of that.

[7] A more accurate metaphor would be to say that the graph of jobs is not very well connected.

Thanks to Trevor Blackwell, Dan Friedman, Sarah Harlin, Jessica Livingston, Jackie McDonough, Robert Morris, Peter Norvig, David Sloo, and Aaron Swartz for reading drafts of this.”

Why Readers, Scientifically, Are The Best People To Fall In Love With

readers

Via Lauren Martin, Elite Daily

Ever finished a book? I mean, truly finished one? Cover to cover. Closed the spine with that slow awakening that comes with reentering consciousness?

You take a breath, deep from the bottom of your lungs and sit there. Book in both hands, your head staring down at the cover, back page or wall in front of you.

You’re grateful, thoughtful, pensive. You feel like a piece of you was just gained and lost. You’ve just experienced something deep, something intimate. (Maybe, erotic?) You just had an intense and somewhat transient metamorphosis.

Like falling in love with a stranger you will never see again, you ache with the yearning and sadness of an ended affair, but at the same time, feel satisfied. Full from the experience, the connection, the richness that comes after digesting another soul. You feel fed, if only for a little while.

This type of reading, according to TIME magazine’s Annie Murphy Paul, is called “deep reading,” a practice that is soon to be extinct now that people are skimming more and reading less.

Readers, like voicemail leavers and card writers, are now a dying breed, their numbers decreasing with every GIF list and online tabloid.

The worst part about this looming extinction is that readers are proven to be nicer and smarter than the average human, and maybe the only people worth falling in love with on this shallow hell on earth.

According to both 2006 and 2009 studies published by Raymond Mar, a psychologist at York University in Canada, and Keith Oatley, a professor of cognitive psychology at the University of Toronto, those who read fiction are capable of the most empathy and “theory of mind,” which is the ability to hold opinions, beliefs and interests apart from their own.

They can entertain other ideas, without rejecting them and still retain their own. While this is supposed to be an innate trait in all humans, it requires varying levels of social experiences to bring into fruition and probably the reason your last partner was such a narcissist.

Did you ever see your ex with a book? Did you ever talk about books? If you didn’t, maybe you should think about changing your type.

It’s no surprise that readers are better people. Having experienced someone else’s life through abstract eyes, they’ve learned what it’s like to leave their bodies and see the world through other frames of reference.

They have access to hundreds of souls, and the collected wisdom of all them. They have seen things you’ll never understand and have experienced deaths of people you’ll never know.

They’ve learned what it’s like to be a woman, and a man. They know what it’s like to watch someone suffer. They are wise beyond their years.

Another 2010 study by Mar reinforces this idea with results that prove the more stories children have read to them, the keener their “theory of mind.” So while everyone thinks their kids are the best, the ones who read have the edge as they truly are the wiser, more adaptable and understanding children.

Because reading is something that molds you and adds to your character. Each triumph, lesson and pivotal moment of the protagonist becomes your own.

Every ache, pain and harsh truth becomes yours to bear. You’ve traveled with authors and experienced the pain, sorrow and anguish they suffered while writing through it. You’ve lived a thousand lives and come back to learn from each of them.

If you’re still looking for someone to complete you, to fill the void of your singly-healed heart, look for the breed that’s dying out. You will find them in coffee shops, parks and subways.

You will see them with backpacks, shoulder bags and suitcases. They will be inquisitive and soulful, and you will know by the first few minutes of talking to them.

They Won’t Talk To You… They’ll Speak To You

They will write you letters and texts in verse. They are verbose, but not in the obnoxious way. They do not merely answer questions and give statements, but counter with deep thoughts and profound theories. They will enrapture you with their knowledge of words and ideas.

According to the study, “What Reading Does For The Mind” by Anne E. Cunningham of the University of California, Berkeley, reading provides a vocabulary lesson that children could never attain by schooling.

According to Cunningham, “the bulk of vocabulary growth during a child’s lifetime occurs indirectly through language exposure rather than through direct teaching.”

Do yourself a favor and date someone who really knows how to use their tongue.


They Don’t Just Get You… They Understand You

You should only fall in love with someone who can see your soul. It should be someone who has reached inside you and holds those innermost parts of you no one could find before. It should be someone who doesn’t just know you, but wholly and completely understands you.

According to Psychologist David Comer Kidd, at the New School for Social Research, “What great writers do is to turn you into the writer. In literary fiction, the incompleteness of the characters turns your mind to trying to understand the minds of others.”

This is proved over and over again, the more people take to reading. Their ability to connect with characters they haven’t met makes their understanding of the people around them much easier.

They have the capacity for empathy. They may not always agree with you, but they will try to see things from your point of view.


They’re Not Just Smart… They’re Wise

Being overly smart is obnoxious, being wise is a turn on. There’s something irresistible about someone you can learn from. The need for banter and witty conversation is more imperative than you may believe, and falling in love with a reader will enhance not just the conversation, but the level of it.

According to Cunningham, readers are more intelligent, due to their increased vocabulary and memory skills, along with their ability to spot patterns. They have higher cognitive functions than the average non-reader and can communicate more thoroughly and effectively.

Finding someone who reads is like dating a thousand souls. It’s gaining the experience they’ve gained from everything they’ve ever read and the wisdom that comes with those experiences. It’s like dating a professor, a romantic and an explorer.

If you date someone who reads, then you, too, will live a thousand different lives.

Photo Courtesy: We Heart It

4 Questions You Should Ask Yourself To Discover Your Deepest Passion

Forget Space

Originally written by Sarah Peterson via Elite Daily

You want to find work you love. You want to know you’re making an impact. You want to feel excited about what you’re doing.

But, the problem is, you don’t know what type of work that should be. And, you don’t want to do what everybody else is doing.

You love photography, but don’t want to photograph fussy babies or big, unruly weddings. You’re a good writer, but authorship is not for you. Working with numbers is your jam, but you have no idea where to take it.

So, how can you find the angle to pursue your dream?

Is it even possible to start a business doing what you love without having to choose from the standard menu of options?

I have some good news: Yes, it’s possible!

As long as you are willing to think outside of the box, be creative and put in a little research while adding value to your potential clients, you can absolutely do what you love.

If you aren’t sure how, take 10 minutes out of your day to ask yourself a few questions:

1. What are your unique skills?

This is a twist on Chris Guillebeau‘s question, “What can you offer the world that no one else can?”

It can sound a bit daunting at first, so let’s start with discovering what your skills are.

Write them down somewhere, and don’t be hard on yourself. You can be skilled in an area, even if you’re not perfect in it.

If you’re stuck, think back on the feedback people have given you. What have your family and friends told you you’re good at? And, remember, personality traits (kind, cynical, outgoing, etc.) are not skills.

Another way to approach this is to reflect on performance reviews previous bosses have given you.

What are the common threads between the feedback you’ve received?


2. What is your “art?”

I get it. Not everyone is super creative.

But, don’t write this question off if you fit into the not-so-creative category. It’s an important one, and it will be very helpful while finding your unique angle.

When we think of art, many of us think of the creative arts, like painting, writing and music. And it’s easy to see why; those have historically always been considered “The Arts.”

But, even if you aren’t about to pull out some water colors and attack a canvas, you still have an art.

Think outside of the box. Your art can be anything that gives you a creative release. And no, you don’t have to love it.

My art is writing, so it happens to be pretty standard, but I also find it incredibly difficult to write. Some mornings, I despise it, and others, I find it to be a great creative release.

My husband’s art is building. He’s a carpenter by trade, and even though he wants to pull out his hair sometimes when he’s building, he gets an amazing creative release from it.

Your art might be graphic design, cooking or interior design. You don’t just have to think within the walls of traditional art.


3. What are you interested in?

I don’t want to use the word passion because I don’t want to chase anybody away with the daunting task of finding personal passions.

Here’s an easier question: What are your interests?

In order to discover your interests (refraining from using the complicated word “passion”), consider these three questions, and write down your answers: What makes you excited? What are you interested in? What could you talk about for days?

This will probably be the easiest step in the entire process.


4. How can you help people?

I don’t mean “help people” in the sense of working at the soup kitchen or volunteering at the food bank.

These are worthy endeavors, but they won’t move you closer to making a living doing what you love.

Rather, when I say help people, I’m really asking how can you provide value with the answers from the three questions above.


Here is how I went about finding my angle for Unsettle:

My skills are influencing, inspiring and analyzing.

I had a very hard time finding those skills, but after combing through previous performance reviews, three different personality profiles and even reading some greeting cards that people had given me from the years past, I kept seeing those three themes.

My art is writing.

This was easy for me because it happens to be a standard creative activity.

My other art is speaking, which I love to do, both one-on-one and in front of a group.

My interests are: hiking, traveling, blogging, online entrepreneurship, family, content marketing, photography, animals, gender equality, business and coaching.

So, how could I combine these things to help make the world a better place?

Well, I could use my unique skill of inspiring and influencing people and my art of writing, and I could combine those things with my obsession with blogging and online entrepreneurship to help people start lifestyle businesses to do meaningful work that they love.

So, that’s what I’m doing.

Finding an angle to pursue solopreneurship requires some elbow grease, and some of these questions are harder than others.

But, the alternative of spending your days doing something you don’t believe in is much harder. Don’t settle.


Sarah Peterson is the author of Unsettle.org, where she encourages people to never settle for careers they don’t love. Sign up for her free course to find the perfect idea for a lifestyle business so you can gain flexibility and freedom and do work you love.

This article was originally published on Unsettle.org

15 Habits of Mentally Tough People

15 Habits of Mentally Tough People

Written by Travis Bradberry via Entrepreneur

We all reach critical points in our lives where our mental toughness is tested. It might be a toxic friend or colleague, a dead-end job, or a struggling relationship.

Whatever the challenge, you have to be strong, see things through a new lens, and take decisive action if you want to move through it successfully.

It sounds easy. We all want good friends, good jobs, and good relationships.

But it isn’t.

It’s hard to be mentally tough, especially when you feel stuck. The ability to break the mold and take a bold new direction requires that extra grit, daring, and spunk that only the mentally toughest people have.

Related: 11 Things Ultra-Productive People Do Differently

It’s fascinating how mentally tough people set themselves apart from the crowd. Where others see impenetrable barriers, they see challenges to overcome.

When Thomas Edison’s factory burned to the ground in 1914, destroying one-of-a-kind prototypes and causing $23 million in damage, Edison’s response was simple:

“Thank goodness all our mistakes were burned up. Now we can start fresh again.”

Edison’s reaction is the epitome of mental toughness—seeing opportunity and taking action when things look bleak.

There are habits you can develop to improve your mental toughness. In fact, the hallmarks of mentally tough people are actually strategies that you can begin using today.

1. They’re Emotionally Intelligent

Emotional intelligence is the cornerstone of mental toughness. You cannot be mentally tough without the ability to fully understand and tolerate strong negative emotions and do something productive with them. Moments that test your mental toughness are ultimately testing your emotional intelligence (EQ).

Unlike your IQ, which is fixed, your EQ is a flexible skill that you can improve with understanding and effort. It’s no wonder that 90% of top performers have high EQs and people with high EQs earn $28,000 more annually (on average) than their low-EQ counterparts.

Unfortunately EQ skills are in short supply. TalentSmart has tested more than a million people, and we’ve found that just 36% of these are able to accurately identify their emotions as they happen.

2. They’re Confident

“Whether you think you can, or think you can’t—you’re right.” — Henry Ford

Mentally tough people subscribe to Ford’s notion that your mentality has a powerful effect on your ability to succeed. This notion isn’t just a motivational tool—it’s a fact. A recent study at the University of Melbourne showed that confident people went on to earn higher wages and get promoted more quickly than others did.

True confidence—as opposed to the false confidence people project to mask their insecurities—has a look all its own. Mentally tough people have an upper hand over the doubtful and the skittish because their confidence inspires others and helps them to make things happen.

3. They Neutralize Toxic People

Dealing with difficult people is frustrating and exhausting for most. Mentally tough people control their interactions with toxic people by keeping their feelings in check. When they need to confront a toxic person, they approach the situation rationally. They identify their emotions and don’t allow anger or frustration to fuel the chaos. They also consider the difficult person’s standpoint and are able to find common ground and solutions to problems. Even when things completely derail, mentally tough people are able to take the toxic person with a grain of salt to avoid letting him or her bring them down.

4. They Embrace Change

Mentally tough people are flexible and are constantly adapting. They know that fear of change is paralyzing and a major threat to their success and happiness. They look for change that is lurking just around the corner, and they form a plan of action should these changes occur.

Only when you embrace change can you find the good in it. You need to have an open mind and open arms if you’re going to recognize, and capitalize on, the opportunities that change creates.

You’re bound to fail when you keep doing the same things you always have in the hope that ignoring change will make it go away. After all, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

5. They Say No

Research conducted at the University of California in San Francisco showed that the more difficulty you have saying no, the more likely you are to experience stress, burnout, and even depression. Mentally tough people know that saying no is healthy, and they have the self-esteem and foresight to make their nos clear.

When it’s time to say no, mentally tough people avoid phrases such as “I don’t think I can” or “I’m not certain.” They say no with confidence because they know that saying no to a new commitment honors their existing commitments and gives them the opportunity to successfully fulfill them.

The mentally tough also know how to exert self-control by saying no to themselves. They delay gratification and avoid impulsive action that causes harm.

6. They Know That Fear Is the No. 1 Source of Regret

Mentally tough people know that, when all is said and done, they will lament the chances they didn’t take far more than they will their failures. Don’t be afraid to take risks.

I often hear people say, “What’s the worst thing that can happen to you? Will it kill you?” Yet, death isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you. The worst thing that can happen to you is allowing yourself to die inside while you’re still alive.

It takes refined self-awareness to walk this tightrope between dwelling and remembering. Dwelling too long on your mistakes makes you anxious and gun shy, while forgetting about them completely makes you bound to repeat them. The key to balance lies in your ability to transform failures into nuggets of improvement. This creates the tendency to get right back up every time you fall down.

7. They Embrace Failure…

Mentally tough people embrace failure because they know that the road to success is paved with it. No one ever experienced true success without first embracing failure.

By revealing when you’re on the wrong path, your mistakes pave the way for you to succeed. The biggest breakthroughs typically come when you’re feeling the most frustrated and the most stuck. It’s this frustration that forces you to think differently, to look outside the box, and to see the solution that you’ve been missing.

Related: 12 Things Successful People Never Reveal About Themselves at Work

8. …Yet, They Don’t Dwell on Mistakes

Mentally tough people know that where you focus your attention determines your emotional state. When you fixate on the problems that you’re facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and stress, which hinders performance. When you focus on actions to better yourself and your circumstances, you create a sense of personal efficacy, which produces positive emotions and improves performance.

Mentally tough people distance themselves from their mistakes, but they do so without forgetting them. By keeping their mistakes at a safe distance, yet still handy enough to refer to, they are able to adapt and adjust for future success.

9. They Won’t Let Anyone Limit Their Joy…

When your sense of pleasure and satisfaction are derived from comparing yourself to others, you are no longer the master of your own happiness. When mentally tough people feel good about something they do, they won’t let anyone’s opinions or accomplishments take that away from them.

While it’s impossible to turn off your reactions to what others think of you, you don’t have to compare yourself to others, and you can always take people’s opinions with a grain of salt. Mentally tough people know that regardless of what people think of them at any particular moment, one thing is certain—they’re never as good or bad as people say they are.

10. …And They Don’t Limit the Joy of Others

Mentally tough people don’t pass judgment on others because they know that everyone has something to offer, and they don’t need to take other people down a notch in order to feel good about themselves.

Comparing yourself to other people is limiting. Jealousy and resentment suck the life right out of you; they’re massive energy-stealers. Mentally tough people don’t waste time or energy sizing people up and worrying about whether or not they measure up.

Instead of wasting your energy on jealousy, funnel that energy into appreciation. When you celebrate the success of other people, you both benefit.

11. They Exercise

A study conducted at the Eastern Ontario Research Institute found that people who exercised twice a week for 10 weeks felt more socially, intellectually, and athletically competent. They also rated their body image and self-esteem higher. Best of all, rather than the physical changes in their bodies being responsible for the uptick in confidence, which is key to mental toughness, it was the immediate, endorphin-fueled positivity from exercise that made all the difference.

12. They Get Enough Sleep

It’s difficult to overstate the importance of sleep to increasing your mental toughness. When you sleep, your brain removes toxic proteins, which are by-products of neural activity when you’re awake. Unfortunately, your brain can remove them adequately only while you’re asleep, so when you don’t get enough sleep, the toxic proteins remain in your brain cells, wreaking havoc by impairing your ability to think—something no amount of caffeine can fix.

Mentally tough people know that their self-control, focus, and memory are all reduced when they don’t get enough—or the right kind—of sleep, so they make quality sleep a top priority.

13. They Limit Their Caffeine Intake

Drinking excessive amounts of caffeine triggers the release of adrenaline, the source of the fight-or-flight response. The fight-or-flight mechanism sidesteps rational thinking in favor of a faster response to ensure survival. This is great when a bear is chasing you but not so great when life throws you a curve.

When caffeine puts your brain and body into this hyper-aroused state of stress, your emotions overrun your behavior. Caffeine’s long half-life ensures you stay this way as it takes its sweet time working its way out of your body. Mentally tough people know that too much caffeine is trouble, and they don’t let it get the better of them.

14. They Don’t Wait for an Apology to Forgive

Mentally tough people know that life goes a lot smoother once you let go of grudges and forgive even those who never said they were sorry. Grudges let negative events from your past ruin today’s happiness. Hate and anger are emotional parasites that destroy your joy in life.

The negative emotions that come with holding on to a grudge create a stress response in your body, and holding on to stress can have devastating consequences (both physically and mentally). When you forgive someone, it doesn’t condone their actions; it simply frees you from being their eternal victim.

15. They’re Relentlessly Positive

Keep your eyes on the news for any length of time, and you’ll see that it’s just one endless cycle of war, violent attacks, fragile economies, failing companies, and environmental disasters. It’s easy to think the world is headed downhill fast.

And who knows? Maybe it is. But mentally tough people don’t worry about that because they don’t get caught up in things they can’t control. Instead of trying to start a revolution overnight, they focus their energy on directing the two things that are completely within their power—their attention and their effort.

Bringing It All Together

Mental toughness is not an innate quality bestowed upon a select few. It can be achieved and enjoyed.

Sensitive People Aren’t Weak, They’re Actually Natural-Born Leaders

Nick Onken

Written by John Haltiwanger via Science Says

Sensitivity is perhaps the most underrated quality in the world. It’s too often associated with fragility and weakness when it’s actually a tremendous strength.

Sensitive people are insightful and intelligent enough both to recognize and comprehend their own emotions. They’re also courageous enough to exhibit them in public.

Many of us would rather live in denial than acknowledge vulnerability. In turn, we never conquer our greatest fears and inner obstacles.

The world needs more people with sensitive souls, as they’re innately self-aware and empathetic. Individuals with these qualities are natural leaders.

Good leaders possess a high degree of emotional intelligence. They understand both themselves and others, which is a product of their own sensitivity.

You can’t lead others if you don’t know yourself.

The importance of being a self-aware leader is perhaps best captured via the Latin proverb:

It is absurd that a man should rule others, who cannot rule himself.

If you don’t have a sound understanding of your inner workings and what drives your decisions then you won’t be in a strong position to guide others.

Finding yourself is a matter of coming to terms with your emotions and what dictates them. It requires ruthless honesty about your feelings. It requires sensitivity.

Being a leader isn’t about holding a certain position or station, it’s defined by whether or not you help people feel a little less lost in this crazy journey we call life.

But you can’t help others find their way in the world when you’re still searching for yourself.

Individuals with a strong sense of self are more confident and practical and naturally inspire others to trust them.

They also know how to laugh at themselves, which helps maintain both perspective and sanity.

Daniel Goleman has written extensively on emotional intelligence and leadership. His research has shown emotionally intelligent individuals are decidedly more suited for leadership.

In his words:

Self-awareness is the first component of emotional intelligence.

Self-awareness means having a deep understanding of one’s emotions, strengths, weaknesses, needs and drives.

People with strong self-awareness are neither overly critical nor unrealistically hopeful. Rather, they are honest — with themselves and with others.

Poor leadership is a consequence of insecurity, inauthenticity and close-mindedness. These qualities often cause people to be cruel toward others. When you don’t understand or like yourself, the people around you become scapegoats.

Sensitive people have an extreme advantage in this regard, as they are deeply cognizant of their emotions and identity. This is precisely why they’re well suited for leadership.


You can’t lead without empathy.

Think about the worst bosses you’ve ever had.

Chances are they were egotistical, terrible at listening and deeply insecure.

They likely never exhibited compassion for others and were completely self-absorbed. Consequently, they made you miserable and worse at your job.

Ernest Hemingway once stated:

When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.

Great leaders are great listeners. They listen with empathy, sincerely attempting to put themselves in the other person’s shoes.

Concurrently, they build trust, alleviate discontentment and help catalyze solutions to various problems and grievances.

There’s a preponderance of evidence employees are more content when they have compassionate and empathetic bosses.

Correspondingly, research shows happy employees are more productive, creative and collaborative.

In other words, compassionate leadership is universally beneficial.

As Emma Seppälä, Science Director at Stanford University Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education, highlights:

Managers may shy away from compassion for fear of appearing weak. Yet history is filled with leaders who were highly compassionate and very powerful — Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King and Desmond Tutu, to name a few.

They were such strong and inspiring leaders that people would drop everything to follow them.

Indeed, contrary to popular opinion, true leaders are not domineering and stoic, but cooperative and emotionally open.

The world would be a decidedly better place if more people in positions of leadership were sensitive, empathetic and compassionate.

As the Dalai Lama once contended:

Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.

Human suffering is frequently caused by an inability to entertain the perspectives and feelings of others.

If we truly desire to progress as a species, we need to embrace our own emotions while seeking to understand the sentiments of others.

The greatest leaders understand compassion lifts the spirits of both those who give and receive it.

‘Entitled’ Millennials Hold The Key To A Better Quality Of Life For Everyone

Processed with VSCOcam with s3 preset

By Kyle McConville via Elite Daily

Millennials are the Try-Hard Generation. The Me Me Me Generation.

A high school English teacher dedicated a 2012 graduation speech to reminding us we’re “not that special.”

We are, if you are to believe the rest of the world, the sneering, unrelenting pitfall of society.

We’re the reason we’re all headed for hell in a handbag – an immaculately-overpriced, stunning pre-fall designer handbag that reminds, once again, how incapable we are of being smart about money – but hell, nonetheless.

Everyone loves to blame Millennials.

We’re incapable of filing our own taxes without the help of mom and dad (so what?); we can’t rent without guarantors (big whoop?); we show up to work in sweatpants and crop tops (your point?); and depending on who you ask, we’re probably in some way responsible for the murder of Ned Stark (this is why we can’t have nice things!) in season one of “Game of Thrones.” (RIP Ned, forever.)

But public perception isn’t everything.

It’s just one thing. Instead, if you shift the conversation away from what the perception is and focus on what Millennials are, literally, doing for the world, you might find – gasp! – we’re not only the Try-Hard Generation, but the Work-Hard Generation, too.

We may be the Me Me Me Generation, but hell if we’re not standing up for the You You You Generations, too.

Millennials are, quite literally, a force to be reckoned with.

In early May, Millennials made it official: We are now the largest generation in the workforce, surpassing Generation X in the US labor force.

More than one in three Americans at work are Millennials, according to research conducted by the Pew Research Center.

We’ll likely continue growing and slashing records, including surpassing the beloved Baby Boomer Generation.

We may be a moving, growing, spreading mass of people who can’t quite name the tenth president of the US, but we are a moving, growing, spreading mass committed to leaving the world a little bit better than the status we found it in (You’re groaning, I know.

But give me a minute here. The point is coming.).

Millennials are helping pave the way for a more inclusive, representative future for all Americans (and for all people).

We’re the most supportive, encouraging generation when it comes to same-sex marriage, according to results obtained from a Pew Research Center study.

As of June 8, at least 73 percent of Millennials are in favor of men and women who identify as gay and lesbian being given the legal right to wed.


Work-life balance matters, and we’re not going to stop until the seesaw stops asking us to favor one over the other.

Maybe you can add the Wants To Have Its Cake And Eat It, Too Generation because if there’s anything the past has (rightfully) told about a Millennial’s future, it’s this: We won’t stop until we get what want, and what we want is a job that respects our right to fulfilling personal lives.

And while an Ernst & Young’s Global Generation Research survey proves we might be a long way from getting it, corporations andemployers are slowing taking note.

Millennials want a flexible work environment in which they can control how, when and where they work.

Some even admit they’d take a pay cut, be passed over for a promotion and willing to relocate if it meant they could make their work-life balance better.

In an interview with the Washington Post, Heidi Parsont, who runs a recruiting firm in Alexandria, Virginia, noted the struggles employers are having with meeting Millennial demands – but they’re trying.

“Wanting flexibility or work-life balance is the number one thing we hear all the time from candidates. It’s the number one reason why people are looking for a new job, by far. We’re definitely seeing more candidates asking for it. But companies still see it as making an exception. It’s still not the norm.”

A Harvard Business Review article titled, “What Millennials Want from Work, Charted Across the World” found Millennials are also looking for a “work-me” balance, which includes time for themselves.

Specifically, 57 percent shared they want “enough leisure time” to enjoy their private lives; 45 percent want “flexible work hours”; and another 45 percent wanted “recognition and respect” for employees in the workplace.


We’re smarter than you (really).

It seems like a low-blow, but we’ll take the compliments wherever (and however) we can.

Now every time someone dares utter the phrase “lazy,” “entitled,” “selfish,” in reference to a Millennial, you can swiftly – and smugly – give them another to add to the list: know-it-all.

Pew’s Social and Demographic Trends research found all us lazy, entitled and selfish Millennials are on track to be the most educated generation in the history of America.

I’d say I told you so, but that wouldn’t be fair now, would it?

(Told you so.)

In 2008, 39.6 percent of 18-to-24-year-olds were enrolled in college.


We may be down and out, but we’re not down for the count.

There is no denying that getting a job fresh out of college, for a Millennial, is virtually impossible.

We’re not only up against our peers, but we’re up against an instantly-refilling army of peers who are all just as qualified, if not more, than we are.

According to a 2010 Pew Research Study survey, only four in 10 18-to-29-year-old Millennials were employed full-time.

Post-college graduation, Millennials are smack in the middle of a tornado of life experiences: graduating college, moving home, finding jobs, buying houses, renting apartments, settling down with partners, starting all over again, and yet, we still haven’t lost our optimism for the world.

Two-thirds of Millennials – roughly 68 percent – say that, as of 2015, they’re not making enough money to live the kind of lives they want, but 88 percent are optimistic they’ll have enough in the future to live the way they want.

Success Is Waking Up Determined Every Day And Going To Sleep Satisfied

Chris & Sarah Rhoads

By Paul Hudson via Elite Daily

Life is difficult for one reason in particular.

Every single individual in the world, no matter how much he or she enjoys life, no matter how much he or she has to be thankful for, is always trying to do a little better.

It doesn’t matter if you’re homeless or a billionaire, you’re always trying to do a little bit better.

Sure, some of us have more reason to try and change our lives than others, but human nature follows a similar pattern, no matter your social standing or financial stability.

Now, while it’s important to strive for greatness, to strive to do, to live just a little bit better, it also makes life complicated.

Look at it this way: We are all trying to change our lives while we are living them — trying to change the direction of a force while that force is already projecting us in a particular direction.

Sure, some of us decide to cut all ties with our past lives, with our habits, jobs, friends, sometimes even homes or countries.

Most of us, however, either can’t risk losing everything in order to create the life of our dreams or realize that doing so — albeit a seemingly easier alternative — isn’t the wisest option.

Hell, most of us aren’t yet sure what exactly that ideal life entails — so leaving all that we have behind to travel blindly is a bit silly.

For this reason, we are forced to live the lives we are currently living, maintaining the life we’ve so far created for ourselves while simultaneously creating a newer, better future for ourselves.

It’s exhausting. I’m sorry if you were looking for better news, but the fact is that changing your life while still having to live it — even if only the main parts of it — is tiring.

More than that, it’s distracting.

You’re forced to divide your thoughts, your focus between the life you’re trying to leave behind and the life you’re trying to create for yourself.

Sometimes it may be better to jump ship and start from scratch, but more often than not, that’s the lazy way out.

More often than not, it’s wiser to gradually transition ourselves, making sure not to burn bridges or bite the hand that feeds us. But how do you do it?

How do you avoid becoming overwhelmed and choking on your own aspirations?

You need to wake up with determination and do all you possibly can to go to sleep with satisfaction; it’s the only way to keep yourself in the right frame of mind.

Failing to do so will almost guarantee your overall failure.

You should start your day off on the right foot.

The key to finishing the day strong is starting it off on the right note. Instead of hitting that snooze button over and over again, instead of burying your face underneath your covers, take a second to just breathe.

Take a moment to allow your mind to clear, to take in the reality around you, and then focus in on your goal.

Not those hundreds of smaller goals you have planned for the day, but the overall goal — it’s this goal that matters most, and it’s this we ought to focus on first thing each and every morning.

Allow yourself to envision how you will feel once you accomplish that goal and use that to fuel your day.

If you start your day off in any other fashion, then the life you are currently living will only drag you away from the life you wish to be living.


You don’t want to waste your day.

You need to get the things done you know you need to get done, or you won’t be able to hold on to the right reality. The reason changing our lives is difficult is that we are in the process of transitioning our personal realities.

We’re used to seeing the world in one fashion, are doing our best to see it in another and are stuck in this purgatory between two worlds, doing our best to work within one while trying to make our way to the other.

If you aren’t going to bed satisfied, then you obviously haven’t managed to keep your reality in check.

You allowed yourself to drift back into that old life of yours that you’re trying so desperately to leave behind. Which sucks because another day has gone by, and you’ve just wasted it.

If you aren’t waking up with determination and going to bed with satisfaction, you’re missing out on a better, more pleasant reality.


You need to wake up every day with momentum.

Without momentum, you’ll never achieve your life goals. Most people underestimate the importance of momentum — without it, it’s impossible to generate the necessary force to break through whatever barriers life and all those in it have placed in your way.

In order to succeed in life, you need to take every success along the way — no matter how small — and use it to fuel your drive, fuel your eagerness to succeed, use it to push yourself forward with more force.

You will fail along the way, but failure shouldn’t slow you down.

Every failure is an opportunity to learn and an opportunity to get reacquainted with exactly how much you hunger for the life of your dreams.

Sometimes our biggest failures can give us more determination than our greatest successes.


You might go to bed one day with regret and not wake up at all.

You never know when your last day on this earth has arrived. You don’t get notice. You can’t plan it.

All you can do is hope when that time comes, you will feel proud to have lived the life you lived.

If there is one reason to wake up with determination and go to bed with satisfaction, it’s this: If you live your life in any other way, you will regret it.

I don’t fear much in life, but I do fear regret. Because regret stays with you. It poisons you. It drags you down. And it’s the last feeling you want to feel when you have only one feeling left to feel.

Live the life of our dreams, even if it kills you. Eventually something will… may as well be on your own terms.

11 Worthwhile Pieces Of Advice For Every Ambitious Young Person

We Heart It

By Ross Simmonds via Elite Daily

Although I’ve been out of college for a few years, I didn’t fully grasp the challenges young professionals are having until the last year or two.

After chatting with friends, colleagues and acquaintances, it has become very clear that young professionals are living in a different world than their parents did.

The world we live in offers up new challenges, but it also offers up new opportunities — ones that too many young people are overlooking and not capitalizing on.

Throughout the past few years, I’ve worked for Fortune 100 companies, startups, non-profits and launched multiple businesses.

Throughout all of this, I’ve learned many lessons from mentors and colleagues, while also learning lessons from my own mistakes and failures. These lessons helped me turn a side hustle into a main hustle and create a thriving business.

In a competitive job market at a time when life can be more confusing than straightforward, young professionals are forced to juggle a wide range of roles and wear multiple hats.

As they say, the life of a young professional is a wild ride. My hope is that this article will help you on your ride as I share a few of the things I’ve learned throughout the last few years.

Here are 11 things every young professional should know about life and business that I wish someone told me when I graduated:

1. Time is all you have; optimize and automate.

Contrary to popular belief, money can buy you time. If you pay a laundry service to do your laundry, you’ve just bought two hours of time to spend with your family or work on a project you’ve been putting off.

If you pay for a bookkeeper, you’re buying time so you can focus on things beyond financial statements.

Outsource the tedious tasks in your life and business, and you’ve just bought time to invest in your career and other activities.

Time is the most precious anyone can give you and it’s the most precious thing any of us have. Use it wisely and spend it doing things that will help you get closer to the life of your dreams — or at least doing things you enjoy.

Use systems that withdraw your savings from each paycheck. Use apps like Mint.com to keep tracking of odd spending.

Use Hustle & Grind to have coffee sent to you monthly. Use tools that save you time, like Hootsuite, which manages social media accounts. Invest in tools and programs that will make your life easier.


2. Never be afraid to ask a question.

It was one of my first meetings with a client, and I hadn’t spent a lot of time with anyone in this meeting before.

I was thinking to myself about how important it is to keep in mind that this client’s audience was mainly women, as they were the ones who made the purchasing decisions in this industry.

Being new to the game and lacking the confidence to speak up, I just sat there quietly and kept it to myself. Ten minutes had passed and someone else brought up my exact point. Next month that person got a promotion.

Ask questions, raise points and contribute to the conversation. It’s better to say something to show you’re actually engaged than to sit there and add little to no value to the existing conversation.


3. Be humble.

You’re not Jay Z.

Our generation is called narcissistic, egotistic and self-entitled. And, while some of the claims are supported by instances that reinforce this naïve thinking, it’s not true of the entire generation.

That said, it’s not a stereotype we can shake tomorrow. For that reason, young professionals need to understand the importance of self-awareness.

It’s also important to realize that all of your accomplishments in high school and college mean nothing if you don’t create value today. You are good as your last project. You are as good as your last pitch. You are as good as your last review. And with every day that passes, that project, pitch or review loses its wonder.

Understanding your skill set and having the ability to truly know your value to an industry or employer is key.

Not all employers are open about pay scale within a company, and this can lead to further frustration, as it’s an ongoing guessing game.

While I hate the idea of employers keeping this information locked away in a drawer, it’s the reality of the world we live in.

Talk to others in the industry and don’t feel guilty when you go down an interview process to find out how much competitors are paying.


4. Fail fast. Learn faster.

As a young professional, you’re most likely coming into an industry filled with veterans and experts. Most young professionals aren’t tied down with responsibilities, like kids, for the first couple years of their careers.

As such, you have the time to work late and put in the hours to take on new challenges and projects that will force you out of your comfort zone.

When you do this, you’ll be able to learn more, as you’ll fail at times and be able to regard that failure as a lesson.

The key to failure isn’t to get caught up on the act, but instead, to get caught up on the lesson. When you don’t make a deadline, ask yourself why you didn’t reach it.

When a client doesn’t like your work, ask yourself why he or she didn’t buy into it. Learning as you go isn’t a bad thing. If you can learn faster than your colleagues and learn about things they’re resisting, you the an opportunity to stand out.


5. Watch your bank account weekly.

When was the last time you looked at your bank statement? And by look, I don’t mean simply look at the balance and called it a day.

It’s important that you know where your money is going and from where your money is coming. Money management isn’t really taught in high school or college, but it’s extremely important for young professionals to understand.

Money is important. Stop pretending it isn’t and accept the fact that you need to look at your finances.

A study by Jeffrey Dew of Utah State University found that couples who fight about money once a week are 30 percent more likely to end up divorced than those who disagree over money only a few times a month.

Mr. Dew also measured the link between consumer debt and a couple’s likelihood for divorce. He says,

“Every 10 fold increase in consumer debt was associated with a 7 percent increase in the likelihood of divorce. So people who had $1,000 of debt versus $100 would be 7 percent more likely to divorce.”

Get your money in order for not only your own sanity, but also the sanity of your future partner.


6. Build relationships and reputation.

My business partner, Findlay, brought this concept to my attention on his blog, Caffeine & Copy, and it’s so true. Since joining the corporate world, I’ve never been asked how well I did in my marketing classes or how well I did in psychology.

In fact, I haven’t been asked my GPA since I applied for an internship directly after school. What I have been asked is if I know this person, that person and another person.

Business is run on a web of relationships. You’re the combination of the people you spend the most time with, so find people who inspire you and push you to become and do better each and every day.

Spend time with people who challenge your thinking and will push you to do things that are outside of your comfort zone.

The relationships you build now will influence the career you someday look back on and remember. The relationships with your colleagues, employers, clients and acquaintances will all combine to be a representation of you and your stamp in the professional world.

Nurture these relationships and ensure that they are authentic and full of value. Strive to give more than you take and you’ll win.


7. Your word. All you have is your word.

Your reputation is everything. Hold on to what you built to get the job and evolve that into something that allows you to stand out as a true leader in your profession.

It’s easy to work your way up the corporate ladder and forget about the things you did to get there. Instead of brushing off interns or appointments with sales reps, focus on keeping your promises.

If you schedule a meeting, be there for your meeting. It’s called respect. It’s how you get respect from others and it’s how you ensure those around you see you as a quality team member. No one respects someone who doesn’t give it to others.


8. Things won’t just “work out.”

I’m not sure which phrase bugs me more: “Everything will work out in the end” or “Everything happens for a reason.” Both of these phrases are misused and misunderstood on a daily basis by 64 percent of North America’s population.

First, no, everything will not always work out in the end. You have to do things to make them work. If you have a presentation tomorrow, going home early because you’re not interested in working late won’t cut it.

It’s not just going to work out. That presentation could be better if you spent an extra hour prepping for it. That document could be better if you spent an extra 30 minutes proofreading it.

Yes, a conclusion will be made at the end of it all, but that conclusion won’t necessarily be the best possible outcome, which it could have been, had you made an extra sacrifice.

As for everything happening for a reason, it’s the same situation. Yes, everything happens for a reason, but you can influence what those things are. In fact, you can influence what the majority of those things are.

The fact that you’re late for a meeting isn’t because “of a reason”; you’re late because you didn’t manage your time properly. The fact that your company didn’t win that pitch isn’t because “of a reason,” it’s because you didn’t listen to the client’s goals.

The fact that your girlfriend is leaving you isn’t because “of a reason,” it’s because you were inconsiderate and didn’t treat her with respect.

Look, if you’re privileged enough to be reading this on a laptop, computer, tablet or mobile phone, you’re more privileged than 70 percent of the world’s population.

You control your fate, you control your time and you control your life. Doing things changes things. It’s as simple as that.


9. Create multiple streams of revenue.

What would you do if you lost your job tomorrow? If you’re in the service industry, what would you do if you lost your biggest client? It would be the end of your biggest stream of revenue and what kept the lights on in your home and gas in your tank.

This is why it’s important to have more than one stream of revenue; it’s why it’s important to have a side hustle.

The economy isn’t exactly reliable and business today isn’t what it once was.

While the generations before mine may have had the liberty of working with the same employer for 20 plus years, that sense of security just doesn’t exist in today’s market.

The Internet is making it easier than ever to start a side hustle. You can rent out your home on sites like AirBnB, you can sell your services on sites like Elance or oDesk and you can even sell your homemade arts and crafts on sites like Etsy.

Start a side hustle and who knows? Maybe someday it could become your main hustle.


10. Set no expectations. Create your own story.

Society is filled with expectations. Specifically, there are expectations at every stage in our lives (i.e. go to college, get a job, get married, have kids, etc.). Forget that; there are no rules.

Focus on what you really want out of life and don’t let external forces influence what you want to do.

While my first suggestion is to pay off your student debt, it’s still a choice that you have to make based on what’s important to you.

Depression and anxiety run deep among young professionals. This is largely because many young professionals feel as though they aren’t where they need to be in life or where they want to be in life.

Instead of trying to keep up with the Joneses, take a deep breath and spend some time looking at the person in the mirror. Now, set some goals.

Make the short-term goals tangible accomplishments that will help you get closer to achieving those long-term goals. For every short-term goal you achieve, you should feel one step closer to a long-term goal.


11. Manage your brain.

It’s not something I talk about often in my writing, but it’s something that needs to be said: I honestly believe that managing your brain is among the biggest challenges each of us faces every single day.

Look at your brain for what it is — an organ — and like any other organ, it requires nutrients and exercise to stay healthy.

I use writing in a journal, working out and doing crazy things like Skydiving to keep myself sane. Accept the fact that you have flaws and that nothing is perfect.

Understand that it’s okay to be depressed and it’s okay to talk about it. Understand that everyone goes through ups and downs and that it’s just the way life works.

At the same time, don’t let it own you; own it. Own your mental health and seek out professional help if you need it.

Sometimes, you’re lucky enough to have a support system in place to keep you grounded, but some people aren’t as fortunate. Focus on your sanity. Focus on what makes you happy. Focus on you.